Thank-you

Thank-you to the nurses who have picked me up off the floor, when the world seemed so scary and I just wanted to close the door.

Thank-you to the nurses who held me as I cried, when all that I could wish for, I wish that I’d have died.

Thank-you to the nurses who when I couldn’t get out of bed, done my hair and make-up instead of lying there with dread.

Thank-you to the nurses who sat with me through the night, so that I wasn’t alone when the voices put up a fight.

Thank-you to the nurses for convincing me to eat, when the voices wouldn’t let me but this illness I can beat.

Thank-you to the nurses for saving my life, when all I wanted to do was grab the knife.

Thank-you to the nurses for never giving up on me, I’ve been in so often you make an impact you see.

Thank-you to the nurses for all that you have done, it will stay with me forever, even after this war is won.

The days are long…

The days are long, but the nights are longer,
I cant wait for the day when I feel stronger,
You’ve taken too much of my life already,
Well this time, I know i’m ready,
Relapse after relapse, you always win,
But eating shouldn’t be a sin,
Scars line my body forever more,
But self harm isn’t a chore,
I shouldn’t have to punish myself,
Just for taking some breaths,
But you punish me,
Why can’t you just let me be,
I will fight you, and you will not win,
See, i’m not the person I was when you crept in,
I’m brave, resilient and not a quitter,
You are a coward, so low and bitter,
Only I can choose to recover,
and not be scared of fucking butter,
And recover I will,
And you I will kill,
You cannot have me,
Cause I will be free,
The days are long, and the nights may be longer,
But this is the day when I feel stronger.

Now you’re in recovery (if only it was that easy)

Now you’re in recovery what will you do?
For the person you once were is no longer you,
You are not in crisis every other day,
Though is it hard to keep your demons at bay,
Recovery is a long road and you must steer,
But in years to come this will all seem clear,
For you have fought a battle that some don’t survive,
And there will be times your life will take a dive,
But you will pick yourself up and dust yourself off,
For rock bottom you cannot stay, with a bottle of smirnoff,
This will be the hardest thing you have to do,
But the view from the top won’t always be so blue,
Cause if you don’t recover from your illness,
You may not see another Christmas,
It wants to destroy you and everything you are,
And the biggest fuck you is to get in your car,
Turn that baby around and step on the gas,
Get away from your demons, finally, at last,
If only it was that easy, this journey will be hard,
But it won’t always be this way, you won’t always be scarred,
You will build yourself into a new person,
Someone who is strong, determined and not so nervous,
Now you’re in recovery, what will you do?
You are a new person, that’s over, phew!

When i recover.

When I recover, who will I be?
Will I be me, will I be free?
I have been ill for so long,
I so wanted to prove them wrong,
‘treatment resistant’ is what they said,
And now I lie here, alone in my bed,
I want to recover, I want to be strong,
I want free from this life, I want them to be wrong,
Because recovery isn’t a one time choice,
I choose it everyday, I use my voice,
For who are they to dictate my future,
I will be free, for this life is an adventure,
I will use my voice and make sure I’m heard,
For one day I will be free, free as a bird,
When that day comes, I’m not sure who I’ll be,
For this illness has become my identity,
I am known as the crazy one,
But with that life I am so done,
For I will be me, and I will be free,
For whoever me may be.

Island life.

So this post is going to be a little different, I’ve heard many people asking about island life with the standard ‘you don’t have McDonalds?’ ‘you don’t have Asda?’ ‘you don’t have a bowling alley?’ ‘What, no TREE’S?’ no, we don’t … there’s a lot of things we don’t have, but we do have one thing, community.

Want to know what island life is like? well, it’s hard to explain, we may not get next day delivery or all the luxury’s of living on the mainland, it may take 12 hours on a ferry or an hours flight to get off this island but we have a lot that you don’t get on the mainland.

We have AMAZING wildlife and scenery. We have history, and lots of it! It’s a place where you are free to be yourself, the ocean is your playground and the beaches are the parks. It is peaceful, there have been times I’ve walked up the main street, or gone to the beach, and been the only person there. Other times, during tourist season, it’s packed! People come from around the world to see the sights of Shetland, the history, Up-Helly-Aa and of course, to eat at Britain’s most northerly chip shop.

There’s one thing that makes this Island though, and that’s it’s community. No everyone does not know everyone, but that doesn’t stop us from helping others out, even if we don’t know them. It’s hard to explain when you’re not part of it, but we’re there for each other. I have had messages of support from people I don’t even know. When something bad happens in the community it hits everyone. when something good happens, everyone is cheering.

I’m not going to lie, there are some downsides. The Shetland rumour mill is the worst I’ve ever known. When the boat doesn’t sail, the shops are empty. You can’t keep a secret on an Island.

Throughout the up’s and downs of Island life, which I’m sure is the same as anywhere. Shetland will always be my home.

A letter to my psychiatrist

Dear Dr (X)

After a lot of internal debate and chain smoking in the car park, I’m here. Walking into your office and I’m not sure if this is a mistake, I already feel so uneasy. Yesterday I had a list of things I wanted to tell you but now? nothing, my mind is blank, overcome by fear.

I sit down and you ask me how I am, I try my hardest to explain but it’s all coming out in chunks, you think you know and understand, you don’t. what I say and what I feel are two completely different things. I’m trying to explain but you only hear the parts you want to. Then you ask the most dreaded question “but you’re still working?” yes. yes I am but that doesn’t mean I’m not in inner turmoil, that doesn’t mean because I put on a happy face at work that everything is just dandy. Yes, I work, but on my days off I spend all day in bed, unable to face the world and every single day, working or not, I ask myself the same question ‘is life really worth living?’ more often than not the answer is no, then I have a decision to make. Countless times I have ended up in hospital through self harm/overdoses.

You look at my notes and ask ” what do you think will help?” I don’t know, isn’t that your job to decide? I’ve tried everything I can think off and I’m still stuck in this vicious cycle. I tell you I haven’t eaten in days, that I purge almost every meal, I tell you how much weight I’ve lost in such a short amount of time, you can see it and what was your reply? “We can’t help you unless your weight is critically low” What message is that meant to send? Lose more weight, starve for longer, purging isn’t that big of an issue, eat less calories.

Falling in love is your solution. Most days I can’t bare to look at myself in the mirror, how am I meant to let someone else love me when I can’t love myself? How can I find a boyfriend after the trauma I’ve been through? you make it sound so easy but the way I see it is I’m not even worthy of love.

I tell you I want support, but you go and cut my support because even with it I’m still ending up in hospital. I have mental illnesses. You wouldn’t tell someone with a physical illness that their treatment was being stopped because they ended up in hospital so why are you, a professional in mental health, telling that to me?

I tell you the voices are controlling my life and I get no peace from them, they tell me to hurt myself, demand it even and it doesn’t seem to ease till I do. you tell me to challenge them. Like it’s that easy. They are literally screaming at me, threatening my family and friends if I don’t do something destructive, they feel so real, obviously I’m going to be scared of them. You can’t understand because you’ve never experienced it and I’m glad, I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

After 20 minutes and a quick scan of my notes you think you know all about me, but that’s just the tip of the ice berg. See, I’ve learnt not to tell professionals about my problems, because where has that got me before? Sectioned.

I walk out of your office, smiling, get to the car park and break down. I self harm. I feel so much worse than when I went in. We got nowhere and stupidly I agree to see you again. You think everything is fine cause I smiled when I walked out, I’ve learnt to put on a brave face. You agreed my case is complex but you’re so quick to assume that I’m alright because I can smile, If only I had learned sooner that smiling can solve everything.

 

Self harm awareness day

You tear me down, give me nowhere to run,

You tell me this torture has only just begun,

Your words cut deeper than any blade could,

But when I’ve cut, you tell me I’ve done good,

But what is life when it’s lived this way?

Torturing myself just to keep you at bay,

I need to fight and fight for my life,

And not let you take control of the knife,

I’ve lived this way for many years,

But now it’s time to face my fears,

To not give you power, to not let you win,

It’s time to be happy in my own skin,

Self harm, you are not welcome anymore,

So it’s time I show you the door,

And get my life back to where it should be,

Innocent, carefree, happy and free,

The scars will remind me of what once was,

Steri-strips, staples, stiches and gauze,

But these scars are not my future,

And you are not my ruler,

Goodbye self-harm

And don’t you dare sound the alarm.

Recovery Letter

Dear you.

Times are hard, I know, but they won’t last. There will come a point where things are easier, better. You are not alone in this struggle, I have been where you are and I’m alive, breathing and here to tell you that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and no, it’s not a train (as I believed for so many years) you are strong enough to beat your demons.

If you were to ask me how I’m doing I would say great, but if you asked me that just last month the answer would of been totally different. I’m not gonna lie, recovery will be hard, and you will have relapses, like I did last month. My bpd and ptsd were at war with each other and the voices became unbearable, it was the 4 year anniversary of my trauma and I couldn’t see any other way out apart from ending my life. Now I thank those who saved me on numerous occasions, police, paramedics, doctors and nurses. Pain is only temporary and that’s something I need to keep reminding myself, there will be good days and oh my are they worth being around for!

Relapses are part of recovery, every time I fall I get back up stronger and more determined than ever before. Even though I’m not recovered, I believe there will come a point I can live in peace with my mental illnesses. Looking back I’ve already come so far. Yes I still have bad days and that’s okay, the most important thing is that I never give up. You must never give up. I’m alive, I’m breathing and I’m enjoying life, the good days and the bad. I have another chance at life and you better believe I’m going to make it a good one!

Make your life great, you are strong enough to fight this battle, so put your boxing gloves on and get ready to fight the good fight, it will be worth it, recovery is possible.

Sincerely,
Angela.

Demons

Their vile words like a hurricane in my mind,
who would of thought they were so strong combined,
‘It’s in the past, they can’t hurt you anymore’
I wish it was just that easy to close the door,
They hurt me everyday,
and it’s not just what they say,
their words and actions carved into my mind,
why was it so hard to just be kind?
The nightmares haunt me while i sleep,
their claws go in far too deep,
when i’m awake there is no peace,
as the flashbacks never seem to ease,
my biggest secret of that night,
i wish i grew my wings and took flight,
their voices i can still hear,
as loud as ever, ringing in my ear,
‘They can’t hurt you anymore’ i keep being told,
but their actions took a far bigger hold,
they hurt me everyday,
and it’s not just what they say.

Tainted and Torn

As i look in the mirror i see a reflection that isn’t me,
Tainted and torn by handprints that shouldn’t be,
On that night of my darkest day,
My life was stolen by a bird of prey,
Pinned to the ground unable to run
That was the moment they knew they had won,
My screams were ignored and unheard,
Silenced by the vicious words they slurred,
My life is shattered because of that night,
When they chose to do what wasn’t right,
No means no and that they knew,
So why didn’t they listen the whole way through,
My body was violated by these horrid men,
Now the flashbacks make me relive it again and again,
Tainted and torn by handprints that shouldn’t be,
One day i hope i can finally be free.